Trump To Personally Guarantee Big Law Partner Profits (Not Really…)

(Hope you all enjoyed this April Fool’s Day story…!)

US President and well-known altruist, Donald Trump, has committed his vast personal fortune to help out senior lawyers at Big Law firms that see their equity partner profits drop during the Covid-19 crisis.

The move comes as the American Government seeks to support thousands of businesses and workers across the country whose livelihoods have been severely impacted by the virus and the new stay-at-home measures.

In a statement to Artificial Lawyer, White House press intern, Peggy Blancmange, said: ‘President Trump has relied on the world’s leading lawyers to get him out of trouble for many years, in fact on more occasions than anyone can remember. He is now repaying that debt by promising to shore up any decrease in the equity partner profits of lawyers at the world’s leading law firms throughout the whole of 2020.’

‘In particular, he will be reaching into his own pocket to help out Wall Street’s White Shoe law firms, whose partners may face having to live on just a few million dollars each this year, which is – I am sure you will agree – an intolerable situation that no civilised nation can allow,’ Blancmange added.

She went on to explain that without senior partners at the world’s leading law firms making at least $2 million each, there would likely be rioting in the streets and civil unrest as the people rose up to protest against such an egregious situation.

Also, the Trump administration intends to create a special Big Law Partner Charity Fund in conjunction with the New York Bar Association to fill the gaps his own fortune cannot reach. If you would like to donate to this important and much-needed charity to help those Big Law equity partners in the most difficult situations, please check it out here.

Artificial Lawyer also spoke to some of the hard-pressed equity partner community of Manhattan for a reaction. One partner at a giant firm, who preferred to remain anonymous, told this site: ‘Look, normally I earn the equivalent of about $40,000 a week – and that only just about covers my costs. Any impact on that number and I could be looking at not re-decorating my fourth home this summer and maybe not having that custom paint job on the Bugatti I ordered. No-one with a heart would wish to see such hardship inflicted upon a fellow human being.’

He added: ‘Of course, if the generosity of others fails, the partnership is more than willing to sack basically everyone else in the business. Now, some people might think that’s a bit harsh, but we are only thinking about the long-term good of the firm as a whole.’

6 Comments

  1. Such a heart warming story. Given that Trump is usually so modest you’ve done well to uncover this story. Well done artificial lawyer and keep up the good work.

  2. Love a good April Fool’s joke Richard -especially at this someone’s expense!! There was a spoiler alert in the first line… “well-known altruist”. He may promise a lot but what he is well known for … well that is equally well known for!

    Good one!

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